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Text File | 2002-08-23 | 52.1 KB | 1,151 lines

From the JOKIN' AROUND DISK by LEEJAN ENTERPRISES P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley. South Australia. 5159. Q: What's the difference between a rooster and a hooker? A: The rooster says "Cock-a-doodle-do", and the hooker says "Any cock'll do" BAD LUCK IS BEING RUN OVER BY THE WELCOME WAGON How many Noise Boys does it take to change a light bulb? Way, WAY too many. "Danek's abortions, you rape 'em we scrape 'em" < Ring Ring< "Hello." "Hello, I'm selling New World Stocks, would you be interested in buying any?" "Pardon?" <He repeats himself> "Pardon?" <Again> "Pardon?" <Again> "Pardon?" "ARE YOU DEAF!?" "Oh, I'm sorry, are you selling hearing aids? I don't want any." (In an answering-device-like sound:) "I'm sorry, but my telephone answering device is temporarily out of order. You'll have to speak to me instead." Is Judy there? (I have no idea who Judy is.) No. Well, when she comes in would you tell her Jack called? Sure. Bye. "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy. Roseanne's fiance had too much crack... I was driving down the road the other day, when all of a sudden this Doritos truck swerved across the center line and hit me head on! You should have heard the crunch! I got out to survey the damage, when all of a sudden, the truck driver popped out. It was Jay Leno! He said, "Don't worry, we'll make more!" I once worked with a guy who had great messages on his machine. For example: 1 - (game of pool in background) "Hi, this is Rich. I'm way too busy to answer the phone now, so leave a message." (in background - "Hey Rich, its your break!") 2 - Same message as 1, but with his girlfriend moaning and panting. 3 - (My favorite) Answering Machine - "Hello" Caller - "Hi, Rich. This is..." A.M. - "Hello" Caller - "Rich, This is..." A.M. - "Hello... Is there anyone there..." Caller - "HELLO! RICH! HEY RICH!!! IT'S ME!!!" A.M. - "HELLO... Oh yeah, this is my answering machine... Please leave a message at the beep.... BEEP" In God We Trust... All others pay cash... Why did the hacker pour beer into his SmartModem? He wanted to make his "Baud Wiser!" Is Dennis Hayes the "chairman of the baud?" "Morrison's mortuary, you stab 'em, we slab 'em!" "I'm sorry, Kathy can't come to the phone right now... ...she's got my dick in her mouth." Let me tell you some more about your mother. Q: Did you hear that Doritos is going to form a partnership with Chrysler? A: Yeah, when you have a head on collision in a Chrysler a bag of Doritos will pop out of the steering wheel. Then Lee Iacocoa will walk up and say "Go ahead, crunch all you want, we'll make more." For that matter, don't forget everyone's favorite delicacy: BUFFALO FETUS What is: black, white and red? A Nun in a blender. What do you call a Nun in a blender? A Twisted Sister! Danek's body shop. You rape 'em, we scrape 'em. No fetus can beat us. Get 'em while they're cold. Bank error in your favor. Try and collect. Several Englishman from the Middle Ages were discussing modems. They were accusing eachother of BEING modems. "Thy art a modem! I can see it clear as day!" "No, You - art." I once called my girl friend and when a man answered the phone instead of her, I thought perhaps it was her boyfriend and said `Bob??' He told me I had reached a wrong number. I apologised and hung up. I dialed the number again, this time being *very* sure I dialed the right number. Again, a male voice answered, and, although it sounded like the same voice as before, I wasn't sure, so I again asked `Bob?' Alas, it was the *same* wrong number. This was getting embarrassing, but I decided to try one more time. I dialed the number again, making absolutely certain it was the correct number. Guess what? The *same* male voice answered! I apologised profusely for bothering him again. He replied, `No problem', there was a pause, and he said `If you can't get a hold of Bob, I'm not busy tonight.' I once had a drunk call at about 1:30 AM: "Hello, is Michelle there?" "Sorry, you have the wrong number." "WHAT? F*CK YOU! Put Michelle on the phone, asshole!" "As I said, you have the wrong number." "Up yours! Put " <click> Thirty seconds later, he called back, just as drunk. "Hello, is Michelle there." "Yes, but she can't come to the phone right now. She has my dick in her mouth." <click> He never called back. How ya going to do it? IBM Blue it! Quayle: The DEL of Vice Presidents MNP -- Melts in your mouth, not in your hands Cross a BBS with a bordello, and you get a baudy house. You know why the homosexuals won't be in a hurry to leave San Francisco when the next earthquake hits? They've already got their shit packed! Define the universe. Give three examples. "Hello?" "Hi, I'm selling blah blah blah..." "Sorry, I'm kinda busy now... gimme your home phone number, and I'll call you back later." "?!?!?! (flustered sounding): I don't conduct business from home!" "Me neither (click)" Did you here about the Homo that worked at the Fudge store on the Boardwalk???? Yeah, he put the stuff in boxes. This bran of humor should be oatlawed. The other day I tried to tell my kid about the birds and the bees. He told me about the butcher and my wife. A Bishop and a Congressman go to heaven, see, and they arrive at the Pearly Gates and Saint Peter greets them and says that he's going to give them immediate room assignments. So, St. Peter hands the Bishop some keys and says, "Here you are -- the keys to one of our nicest efficiency units. And for you, Mr. Congressman, the keys to our finest penthouse suite!" And the Bishop says, "Wait a minute. This is unfair." And St. Peter says, "Look, Bishops are a dime a dozen up here, but this is the first Congressman we've ever seen!" An example of "Cat Programming:" IF EMPTY(cat_dish) THEN FEED(cat); IF ODOR(litter_box) > "Yuch" THEN REPLACE litter_box WITH fresh_litter ELSE cat_poop = cat_poop + 1 A computer salesman, a computer hardware engineer, and a computer programmer were driving down the road, in the middle of nowhere, when they got a flat tire. The salesman says, "The car is defective. We have to swap the whole thing in for a new one." The hardware guy says, "Let's change the tires around until we see which one is flat." And the programmer says, "Let's just drive on for a while. Maybe the problem will go away by itself." Spam Kinison -- canned meat you'll SCREAM for! Think "HONK" if you're a telepath. Q: Know why all the really beautiful women hang around the guys who are cruel, nasty and otherwise obnoxious? A: Because theres just no end to those pricks! Three nuns are in a car accident and they all die painfully. They then go to the pearly gates and they each have to answer a question correctly in order to pass. Nun #1 Guy: Who was the guy with the big boat??? Nun: Ahhh,ahh, Noah. Guy: Right! You may enter! Nun #2 Guy: Who was the small dude??? Nun: ahhhh,ahhhh, David. Guy: Right! You may enter! Nun #3 Guy: What did adam say to eve in the back seat of their 57' Chevy??? Nun: Ahhhhhh, ahhhhha,ahhh-- That's a hard one! Guy: Right! You may enter! Two babies were born in the same hospital about the same time. They were placed side by side in the nursery for a couple of days before going home, never to see each other again. By a miraculous coincendence, when they were 83 years old with only a few days to live, they wound up side by side in a semi private hospital room. After a few minutes had passed, one of the men turned to the other and said ... Well, what did you think? A judge in Petersborough, Ontario, upheld the eviction in June of a female college student from her apartment because of neighbors' complaints that she moaned too loudly during sex. One neighbor said the sound lasted up to an hour per session, with up to three sessions a night. Preston Ashley, 37, was wounded on New Year's morning in Greenville, S.C., by police who had gone to protect his wife, Linda Ashley, who had been beaten. The police officers were Randy Ashley and Jimmy Dean Ashley, joined later by officer Rodney Ashley. None of the officers is related to Preston or Linda. When the ant saw the anteater he bugged out. Old Hippies never die - They just "flash back". How about Dead Cat logic? Var CatisDead : Boolean; CatLife : Byte; Procedure AttackCat; Begin While CatLife > 0 do begin CatLife := CatLife - 1; End; CatisDead := TRUE; End; Begin Repeat AttackCat; Until CatisDead; This nun walked into a liqour store. She walked up to the cashier and said, "Could you give me a bottle of whiskey?" The man replied, "Sister, I can't, I really . . ." "Please, I need it," the Nun interrupted. "But Sister, I just . . ." The Cashier was again interuppted. "Really, It's all right. It's for medical purposes." "Medical purposes?" The Cashier asked. "Yes." "Oh . . . Well, I guess so. Here, take it for free, I just couldn't charge any money." The Cashier handed her a bottle of whiskey. She walked off with the bottle. About four hours later, the cashier was locking up. And lo-behold, as he was walking to his car, there the nun was, on the other side of the street, weaving and swerving from side to side, singing a song. The cashier called out to her, "Sister, you told me it was for medical purposes!!" The nun replied, "It is. You see, the Mother Superior is constipated, and when she sees me like this, she's gonna shit!" Q: What's black and white and red all over? A: .nun dednuow A The Russian Express Card-- don't leave home! What's black and white and red and can't go through a revolving door? A nun with a spear in her chest. What's black white black white black etc...? A nun rolling down a hill. What's black white and laughing? The priest who pushed her. Hear about the bulemic chorus girl who worked the bachelor party? The cake came out of her! Hear about the cannibal that passed his sister in the woods? Ever throw up your hands in disgust? The cannibal threw up his sisters hands in disgust! He wasn't gladiator! A very old (ethnic) nun approaches the Pearly Gates and is met by Saint Peter who greets her with "Why Sister Angelic, after such a long devoted and virginal life the big guy says you can go back for five years as anyone you would like." Sister Angelic responds "I would be Aleksya Pipaleene!" Saint Peter says Aleksya Pipaleene I don't think I know her. So Sister Angelic pulls a faded newspaper cliping from her pocket which says: ALASKA PIPELINE LAID BY 5000 MEN TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE, ONE DIES A man walks into an antique store and begins browsing through the merchandise. A small bronze sculpture of a rat catches his eye. For some reason, this curio fascinates him and he decides that he has to have it. So he picks it up and walks over to the proprietor. "How much for this?", he asks. "I'd think twice about getting that if I were you. Everyone who's bought it before has come back the next day to return it," says the proprietor. "Why?" "I don't know--but they seem to be in an awful hurry to get rid of it." The customer thinks this over and finally decides to purchase the item. He walks out of the store and begins to make his way home. As he is walking down a dark alley, he hears a scuttling noise behind him. Quickly turning around, he sees two rats following him down the path. "That's odd", he thinks to himself and begins to walk faster. A few minutes later, he turns around again and this time there are 3 dozen rats following him! He begins to break into a trot. Next time he turns around, there are 200 rats! Now he's running as fast as he can. After a couple of minutes, he can't stand the suspense any longer and looks over his shoulder... Thousands of rats, as far as the eye can see, are marching behind him! Now he begins to panic. He looks at the figurine in his hand and it dawns on him what's going on. He changes direction and begins to make his way to the waterfront. When he reaches the harbor, he takes the figure and hurls it into the water. Thousands of rats dive into the water after it and drown! The next day, the man returns to the antique shop. The owner is astonished to find him empty-handed. "You didn't bring it back??" he inquires. "No, I've got just one question. Do you have one which is shaped like a lawyer?" Do you think if Pete Rose gets caught betting on games in the prison softball league, they'll kick him out of the joint? One day a mother with two daughters and one son was making cake and she spilled BB's all over the dough. The BB's were so small that she couldn't possibly pick them all out, so she decided to leave them in. After the cake was done, it was servered as desert after lunch. After lunch all of the kids went outside to play. 1/2 Hour later: Daughter#1: Mommy,Mommy, I went to the bathroom and little BB's came poring out!! Mother: Oh don't worry, they won't hurt you, go on outside and play. 1/2 Hour later: Daughter#2:Mommy,Mommy, I went to the bathroom and little BB's came poreing out!! Mother: Oh don't worry, they wont hurt you, go on out side and play. 1/2 Hour Later: Son: MOMMY,..... Mother: I KNOW, you went to the bathroom and little BB's pored out? Son: NO, I was out behind the barn WACKING OFF and I shot the dog!!! What kind of sex do celibate priests have? Nun. What's black and white, black and white, black and white, black and blue? A nun falling down a flight of stairs. Bad habits? I have nun. It's over when the fat lady sits on your face WARNING! SEX-JOKE FOLLOWS BELOW! BELOW SEX-JOKE Jennifer Connor, 18, a New York woman with a high hairdo, was diagnosed in November with hearing loss and a "serious" ear infection. Her physician said her ears were clogged with hair spray. Foul-weather deaths of animals in the San Diego Zoo are down in 1990 from a high of 35 last year. The leading cause of death was sexual accidents. Q: What's black, white and red and does 5000 rpm? A: A Nun in a blender!! These 3 guys go up to see St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter looks through his little not book, and tells them that they're not expected. He asks him to explain what they're doing there. The first guy says: "Well, for a long time I've suspected my wife of having an afair. Every day, when I get back and ask her what she did all day she is very vague. She usually says something like "Oh, just shopping". So, one day I came back early from work to catch her with this other guy. I walked in, and searched the place. When I opened the fridge, there he was. I was so mad, I picked up the fridge and threw it and the guy over the balcony railing. Right after, I died of a heart attack." Second guy: "Well, I was walking down the street one day, when this lady walked up. We started talking, and it turned out that she was tired of her husband and wanted to go out for dinner with somebody younger. Things sort of progressed from there; until one day I was at her house when there were footsteps at the door. She pushed me in the fridge. There were muffled voices, and then I was falling. That's the last I remember." Third guy: "Well sir, I'm not really sure what happened. All I knowis I was on my way to my car to leave for work when I happened to look up. There was this refridgerator heading rightfor me! That's the last I remember." "Q: Dear Smithy, I just purchased a box of Kellogg's Frosted Flakes and a box of Post Corn Flakes. What kind of cereal interface is needed? -- Anthony "Tony" Tiger P.S. - A prompt answer would be GRRRRRRRREAT!" A: Remember that a cereal interface need to monitor its throughput to maintain a constant mass, not a constant volume. These things are, after all, sold by weight and not by volume, and relying on bran names is not altogether appropriate. "To maintain a constant flow of mass, the cereal interface must properly address the needs of the source cereal as well as the destination cereal. The throughput efficiency of a cereal interface is often controlled by a "Mikey" protocol. If Mikey likes it, the mass will pass without further modification. "If you must pass the mass from one form to another, significant modifications must be introduced. This becomes obvious when the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle standard must interface with the older Count Chocula standard. The Chocula standard has difficulty sucking the information out of non-human forms. Captain Crunch would serve as a much better source in this case. Such a difficult transfer, if not properly handled, will create a distortion bandwidth approximating the Frankenberry distribution. "The optimized transfer of cereal information must be accomplished bit by bit inbite-sized chunks. This is necessary to make sure the the 19 influences of the cereal interface promulgates the Special K factor that provides part of a balanced breakfast. "If too much information tries to go through the cereal interface, a 'puffed' condition will occur. In this case, the base cereal will be able to float longer in milk without losing its fibrousand crunchy texture -- a particularly sticky problem when dealing with the hot cereal standards. "What we need is an international component cereal interface standard. Standards like Lucky Charms and Trix already are paving the way with their multicolored component parts. Now we need to invent a process that will keep each component separated thoughout the cereal interface process. That's the only way we can keep it a regular world." (The writer, C. Cecil Smith, is a consulting television engineer from Dallas, TX.) A Greyhound bus was travelling up the Eastern Seaboard when a man in the back of the bus whispered to the people in front of him "Dere's a bm in the baroom." The word passed quietly and quickly from the back of the buss to the front of the buss..."Shhhh There's a bomb in the bathroom."... The bus driver pulled the bus into the emergency lane and opened all doors. He quietly announced "Theres a bomb in the restroom.. Everyone please get out as quickly as possible" They evacuated the bus, and the driver flagged down a Jersey State Patrolman, who had the road closed, and the people were evacuated about 1/2 mile away from the vehicle, out of harm's way. The police bomb sniffing dog arrived to examine the scene, and led the officers back to the restroom, where an old man was quietly hiding. He smelled terrible, and was apparently homeless. The police took this news back to the driver and passengers 1/2 mile away, telling everyone that there was just an old homeless guy in the rest room. About that time the old fellow from the last seat started breaking in... "I was trying to tell you.. There was a Bum in the rest room... Not a bomb.... A Bum...." BEER IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN BECAUSE....... A good beer is never flat. Oat bran is the perfect substitute for oat bran. It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife. "That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?" At first she declined. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down. "Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does." Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage. The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in. "Now," said the husband, "tell that motherfucker you have a headache!" A grungy old lumberjack, in town for the first time in weeks, went to the local brothel and demanded the roughest, toughest and meanest girl in the house. "That'll be Mary," said the madam. "Go to Room Four, and I'll send her up." "Fine,"said the lumberjack,"and tell her to bring a couple of beers." In due time, Mary appeared. She put the two bottles of beer on the floor, took off her negligee, positioned herself on her hands and knees and pointed to her pussy. "No! No!" exclaimed the lumberjack. "In the bed, the old-fashioned way!" "Sure,pal," grunted Mary, "but I thought ya might want to open them beers first." Tired of the boring "straights" she'd been laying, a chick decided she'd find out if bikers were really the heavy "cocksmen" that she heard they were. So she picked up a gigantic bro and went went with him up to his pad. Stripped and ready, anxiously awaiting some real action, she was astonished to see that his fully erect crank was only two inches long. "Who," she demanded scornfully,"do you think you're gonna satisfy with that?" Grinning confidently, the bro replied,"Me!" The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table." Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile." "Yes," replied the girl, "much better." "Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy." One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The mother said to the young man, "That was wonderful. You should be a doctor!" The ungrateful father jumped up, twisted the boy's arm behind his back and yelled, "Doctor, my ass! He's going to be our son-in-law. Smell his fingers!" After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, "What the hell happened?" "As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied the wife. "Piss on him," answered the husband. "You did," said the wife, "and he fired you." "Well, fuck him," said the husband. "I did, and you go back to work in the morning." One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Sheppard. The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket. "Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you about this." "Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you!" One day a farmer caught a traveling salesman making love to his youngest daughter. Yelling "You son of a bitch!" he shot the amorous salesman in the groin with a .12-gauge shotgun. The screaming salesman quickly took off for town to find a doctor. He found one, but the physician took one look at the man's perforated pecker and told him that nothing could be done for him. "Oh, please do something," begged the salesman. "I'm a rich man and can pay you anything." "Sorry, son," said the doctor. "There's nothing I can do. However, there's a man across the street who might be able to help." "Oh? Is he a specialist?" asked the salesman. "No," said the doctor, "he's a piccolo player. He'll teach you how to hold it without pissing in your face." A man was walking down the street with a baby ape in his arms when a friend stopped him and asked what he was doing with the chimp. "I just bought this ape as a pet. We have no children; so he's going to live with us - just like one of the family. He'll eat at the same table with us. He'll even sleep in the same bed with me and my wife." "But what about the smell?" the friend asked. "Oh, he'll just have to get used to it, the same way I did." There was this black boy in first grade, and all his white classmates made fun of him and said his pecker was twice as big as their's becuase he was black. This constant teasing upset him, so the black first grader went home and told his mama, "All my white classmates tease me and say my pecker is twice as big as their's cuz I'm black, is that true?" His mama said;" No son, it's not because you're black,....... it's cuz you're NINETEEN! If you like sex and travel, go take a fuckin' hike Why did God develop armidillos? So Aggies could have possum on the half shell. A missionary went to deepest, darkest Africa to win some converts. He took several cases of Dr Pepper with him as gifts. Unfortunately, he was killed by cannibals and cooked for dinner. They'd eat a leg and have a Dr Pepper, eat an arm and have a Dr Pepper, eat a rib and have a Dr Pepper and so on until all that was left was the missionary's "Thing" which they didn't eat. Do you know why? Because "Things go better with Coke". Two missionaries go to deepest, darkest Africa to win some converts. They get captured by an angry tribe and thrown into a bamboo cage. The chief takes the first one out of the cage and explains that people accused of trespassing have the choice between two punishments, Bula-Bula or Death. The missionary, not wanting to die, chooses Bula-Bula. The chief announces to the crowd that the decision is for Bula-Bula and the biggest warrior of the tribe steps up and performs un-natural sex-acts on the missionary and then sets him free. The chief takes the second missionary from the cage and asks him which punishment he would prefer and the missionary, preferring to die rather than be violated, chooses Death. The chief anounces to the crowd "The prisoner has chosen Death... By Bula-Bula!". A dog goes into a bank, walks up to the loan officer, one Miss Patricia Wack, and proclaims that he needs to borrow some money. Well, this flusters Miss Wack a little so she starts asking questions trying to disqualify him. Finally she asks if he's got any colateral and in response he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a little ivory elephant. Now she doesn't know what to say so she goes over to the president of the bank and explains the whole thing. He says "Well, does he have any colateral?". She shows him the ivory elephant. And he says "That's a knick-knack Patty Wack, give the dog a loan!" Did you hear that Richard Gere visited the hospital AGAIN? He had to have a mole removed. Why'd the Aggie put ice-cubes in his rubber? To keep the swelling down. What did the bra say to the hat? You go on a head, I'll give these two a lift. What's worse in the morning then finding a dead skunk on the piano? Waking up in the morning and finding a diseased beaver on the organ. And now. Why didn't Merry Christmas have any kids? Cause Santa had popcorn balls. Here about the little buck bunny trying to convince the little doe bunny? Aw, come on. It won't hurt, now did it? How do you make love to a fat woman? Slap her on the thigh and ride the first wave in. This guy is golfing alone early in the morning. He lines up his tee shot, swings, and horribly shanks the ball. The ball careens out of bounds and hits a kid riding a skateboard square on the noggin. The kid falls under a passing Buick, which promtly runs over the kid and sideswipes a schoolbus, sending it violently into the convent across the street. The golfer is understandably horrified. He looks around the empty golf course and runs to the club house to get some help. The golfer grabs the golf pro by the arm and starts yelling, "Oh my God! I sliced my drive and it hit a kid and he got run over and I killed a busload of kids and a bunch of nuns! What am I gonna do!?!?!?" The golf pro calmly looks at the golfer and goes, "Keep your head down, your left arm straight and follow through." A fisherman's wife wanted to get him something for his birthday, but only had $25. She goes to a department store and picks up a Rod that costs $15 and a reel that costs $10, and struggles with the decision and finally slips a spool of line under her blouse. As she lays down the rod at the checkout, it rolls off the counter... as she bends over to get pick it up, out pops the spool and she breaks wind... The Clerk says, alright, thats $15 for the rod, $10 for the reel, $3.50 for the line and $4.50 for the duck-call wherever you have that hidden. (as told by a banking consultant at one of those seminars) Did you hear about the cereal Mike Tyson and Robin Givens have put out? It's called "NUTTIN' BITCH". This GI gets sent overseas and gets one of the ladies pregnant. He tells her he has to go back to his wife now that the war is over, but he'll pay for the baby. Just use the code word "sauerkraut" when the baby is born so he knows when to send the cash. A few months later, his wife calls him at work and says they just received the strangest telegram...it read: Sauerkraut, sauerkraut, sauerkraut; two with wieners, one without. It was recently said that a lawyer was fishing in the Atlantic, when a sudden swell threw him into the water. A school of man-eating sharks immediately converged on him, but they lifted him out of the water, and carefully swam him to the shore, where he waded out of the water. He turned, and asked them why they had saved his life instead of eating him alive. One of the sharks smiled, and said "Professional Courtesy!" T H E P L A N ----------------- In the Beginning was the Plan And then came the Assumptions And the Assumptions were without form And the Plan was completely without substance And the Darkness was upon the face of the workers And they spoke among themselves, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh." And the workers went unto their Section Chiefs and sayeth, "It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof." And the Section Chiefs went unto the Branch Chiefs And sayeth unto them, "It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it." And the Branch Chiefs went unto their Assistant Commissioners and sayeth, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide by its strength." And the Assistant Commissioners spoke among themselves, saying one to another, "It contains that which promotes plant growth, and it is very strong." And the Assistant Commissioners went unto the Deputy Commissioners and sayeth unto them, "It promotes growth and is very powerful." And the Deputy Commissioners went unto the Commissioner and sayeth unto him, "This new Plan will actively promote the growth and efficency of this Agency, and in these Areas of Particular." And the Commissioner looked upon "The Plan" And saw that it was good, and "The Plan" became Policy. GENERAL MOTORS RESEARCH ANOUNCES DISCOVERY OF NEW ELEMENT The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by GM Research physicists. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of zero. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons andd 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium caused one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than one second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization. Research at other laboratories inidcates that Adminstratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations and universities and can usually be found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings. Scientists point out that Administratium in known to be toxic at any detectable level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising. Two guys walk into a resturaunt to get a bite to eat. It's one of those 24 hour joints that will serve any meal at any time. One guy says to the other, "I think I'm gonna have special #3, the tongue of beef. The other guy says, "God, that's absolutely gross, how can you eat something that comes out of the mouth of an animal? The first guy says, "Well, I just thought that I'd try something different. What are you gonna eat?"/ The second guy says, "I'll have some eggs". Mary had a little sheep, with this sheep she went to sleep, then she found it was a ram, Mary had a little lamb. Once upon a time there was a cruise ship sailing. On board, a magician was giving a show to some passengers. The magician ALWAYS had a parrot on his shoulder. Whenever the magician told a joke, the parrot would give it away. One time the magician had a knife, he spun it around it dissappeared! The parrot said "It's in his pocket, it's in his pocket". The crowd booed him because the parrot gave it away. The next trick he did, he waved a wand around and it vanished. Again, the parrot said, "It's up his sleeve! It's up his sleeve!" The magician got mad because he couldn't keep any of his tricks secret. The parrot kept giving them away. One day the cruise ship sank. The magician and the parrot managed to make it to an island where they stayed for about 3 months when the parrot, all of a sudden, burst out and asked: "Ok, I give up! Where'd you hide the ship?" One day some scientists heard about a remote Island where there were Porpoises that lived forever!! So off they went to check it out.Upon arriving at the Island they discovered that there was also a huge colony of Mina Birds present.And,after further research,they found that the mina birds were the porpoise's main diet! Reasoning that somehow this was the reason for the porpoises immortality,they decided to capure some of the mina birds for further study. Enter the dilemma!--a huge and ferocous lion! Whenever the sci entists came close to capturing a mina bird,the lion would appear and ruin everything! So the scientists made a plan!They dug a deep pit,put some meat laced with a powerful sedative into it,covered the pit's opening with leaves and grass;and waited. Soon the lion came round,smelled the meat,fell into the pit,ate the meat,and fell fast asleep!! The scientists grabbed as many mina birds as they could carry,raced across the pit,and were promptly arrested!Why? Transporting minas across sedated lions for immortal porpoises!!! Which is the non-smoking lifeboat? A man was walking down the street dragging his left foot behind him. Coming in the opposite direction he saw a man walking toward him who also was dragging one of his feet behind him as he walked. AS the two men met, the first one say, Vietnam 1969. The second one said, Dog shit...a half block behind me. A Pollack was in the tailor shop lookin at his new suit in a three-way mirror. The tailor said.."Well, what do you think of it?" "Great, the Pollack said, I'll take all three of them." I had a job lined up as a chimney sweep, but it fell through. I was supposed to work in the blood lab, but they told me I wasn't the right type for the job. Then the offer I had to work for RJ Reynolds went up in smoke. I was a trapeze artist for a while, but then I was let go. I applied for a job as a telemarketer but didn't get the call. She wanted to work as a hooker, but she didn't have it in her. Bo, you don't get Diddley! There was a professor in the Chemistry Dept. that I did graduate work in who was noted for the difficulty of the tests he gave. His first name was Percy. On the morning of a test he walked into the lecture hall to find the class very quiet and very diligently studying their notes for that last fact for the test. It wasn't until he had walked up the aisle to pass out the tests and turned around that he saw the message emblazoned on the blackboard in big chalk letters : MERCY PERCY ! To which he replied : Alas Class ! The leper leaves and the hooker is standing in the open door way and a door across the hall opens and a john walks out and another hooker looks at the first hooker and says Hi, how's going?" the first hooker replies: "Business is falling off." A good friend of mine, living in northern Michigan, decided to go ice fishing. He gathered up all of his tackle and moved out on the ice. He started to auger a hole in the ice when he heard a voice boom out from above: 'There are no fish here!' He thought for a few moments, gathered up his stuff, then moved a little farther down the ice. He started to auger a new hole in the ice when he heard the voice boom out from above: 'There are no fish here!!' So, he gathered up his stuff again, moved a little farther down the ice, then started to augher another hole in the ice. Again he heard the voice boom out from above: 'I said, there are no fish here!!!' He sheepishly asked: 'Is that you god?' To which the booming voice replied: 'No, I'm the rink manager' No matter where you go, ... there you are ----- From LeeJan Enterprises - P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley. S.A. 5159.----- My wife and I were sitting out on our back porch, enjoying a glass of lemonade after a long hard day. A bird flew over and, with perfect aim left a deposit squarely in the middle of my wife's head. She reached up, felt the damage, and shouted: 'Quick, get some toilet paper' 'It wouldn't do any good', I quipped, 'He's miles away by now.' A Christmas Story The three wise men were riding their camels through the desert to Bethlehem. Finally they arrived at the manger containing Joseph, Mary, and their newborn son. The first wise man, a very short fellow, climbed off his camel and ran inside the manger. After a few minutes he came running outside and shouted: 'I have seen him, the son of our lord!' The second wise man, also a very short fellow, climbed off his camel and ran inside the manger. Soon he also came running outside shouting: 'I have seen the babe, our savior is born!' The third wise man, a very tall towering figure of a man, climbed off his camel and ran inside the manger: 'BOOOM', he hit his head on a rafter and shouted 'Jesus Christ'. Mary looked up and said, 'Hey, ... that sounds a lot better than Claude.' Did you hear about the new food store in Jerusulum? It's called: Cheeses of Nazereth Try Milk of Amnesia - when you need to forget Seen on another Church Marquis: Sunday's sermon will be: Do you know what hell is? Come in and hear our organist. What does a chinaman call a black with AIDS? Coonsoondi. Phone rings as bar. "Hello?" "Is Mr. Freely there? First initials I.P.?" "Is there an I.P. Freely here? I.P. FREELY!?" I bought my GF a new seat for her bike, one of those wide versions that fits a lady's pelvis a bit better than the OEM man's style. I put it on for her while she was in class, just before we were to go riding with a friend of ours. She came out to get her bike, and didn't at first realise the seat had been changed, but then the odor of new leather came to her, and she realized what I had done. We rode to Barry's house, picked him up and started riding down the valley route. She was a bit proud of the seat, so she told Barry I had gotten it, and that she hadn't caught on til she smelled the difference. And Barry quipped: "You mean you smell bicycle seats??" King Arthur was about to go fight in the crusades. He felt sceptical about leaving his wife (a beautiful young woman) with his 100 servants. He decides to put a chastity belt on his wife so that if a man tried to screw her, he'd get his dick chopped off. When he came back from the crusades he had all of his servants line up in a row and drop their pants. All of them had their dicks chopped off except one man. "Son," King Arthur said, "Thank you for living up to the trust I have put on thee. I will grant you anything you want!" The servent replied in a very undistinguishable tone, "I wrruqbrg gwergnewrgh"! There's a sign in front of a church near my home. Come to Ch ch What's missing? "Don't you go where those huskies go, and don't you eat that yellow snow." (Frank Zappa, philosopher) Of things I've lost, I miss my mind the most There was this 12 year old girl that got stuck with a pin but she didn't feel the prick until she was 18. They say "Love thy neighbor as thy self". What am I supposed to do? Jerk him off too. BANNANAS "The Womans Home Companion" The guy out hunting ducks. He shot one and it fell in a farmer's yard. When he went in to get it, the farmer came out and they got into an argument about who owned the duck. Farmer said it was his as it was on his property. The hunter said his as he'd shot it. After a few minutes, the farmer said, "We'll settle this country style, We kick each other in the crotch in turn and the last guy standing gets the duck." The hunter wasn't too keen on this, but agreed. Farmer said he got the first kick as it was his property. He laid in a good one and the hunter spent the next ten minutes rolling around on the ground in agony. Finally, he recovered enough to take his turn. "Ready?" he asked. The farmer said, "Ah, hell take the damned duck!" Did you hear about the black boy that jumped into the freezer? -He had diarrhea and he thought he was melting. What's smurf sex? -Screwing until you're blue in the face. Do ya guys wanna hear a cookie joke? -Forget it, it's too crummy Do ya guys wanna hear a fast joke? (Yes) -Do ya wanna hear another one? 1) When Jim Morrison sings, I get Door-gasms. 2) I love abusing the down-trodden. It gives me poor-gasms. 3) Thinking about Burt Reynold's ex-lovers gives me Dinah Shore-gasms. 4) Listening to Satanic Heavy Metal gives me Tipper Gore-gasms. 5) Star Trek, The Next Generation gives me Geordi LaForge-gasms. (ehhh) 6) Bob Hope/Bing Crosby movies give me Road to Bora-Bora-gasms. 7) Japanese war movies give me Tora Tora Tora-gasms. (ehhh) 8) Jacques Cousteau documentaries give me explore-gasms. 9) Anything with Kim Basinger gives me adore-gasms. 10) Professional golf on TV gives me fore-gasms. Or bore-gasms, grin. Why are you SHOUTING at us in ALL CAPITAL LETTERS? Computer Reference Manual, MAD Magazine... what's the difference? Shredded Disaster is Murphy Slaw What's the difference between Mono and Herpes? -- Well, you can get Mono by snatching a kiss... What color is a chameleon on a mirror? What is the output of a vacuum pump? What kind of dog has four legs and one arm? -- A Pit Bull! What do you get when you cross a Pit Bull with Lassie? -- A dog that rips your leg off and then runs for help! What do you get when you cross a Pit Bull with Lassie? -- A dog that rips your leg off and then runs for help! What's the difference between Erotic and Kinky? -- With Erotic, you use a feather...for Kinky, you use the entire chicken! Jim Finn, the noted biologist, was stumped. He'd spent months studying the little green frogs in the Keefo swamp. The population, despite all efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate. Finally Finn went to the chemistry department at his college, to see if anyone there might be able to help. Tom Trom looked into the problem, and came up with a solution. The little frogs had succumbed to a chemical change in the swamp's water, and simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce. Trom brewed up a new adhesive, made from a dash of this, a zoss of that, and, most critically, one part of sodium. "You mean?..." Jim said when told. "Yes," said Tom. "They needed mono-sodium glue to mate." While hiking in the woods, Nate and Sam found this huge rock which had an old iron lever attached to it. Etched into the rock was the following inscription: "If this lever is pulled, the world will come to an end!" Nate wanted to pull the lever and see what would happen, but Sam, being a paranoid pessamist, greatly feared this! He said to Nate that if he tried to pull the lever, he'd shoot him! In a daring attempt, Nate lunged for the lever, and sure enough, Sam shot him! What is the moral of this story? Better Nate than lever! King John and King Paul had been at war for years, and King Paul was getting tired of it. He decided to make peace between himself and King John. So he sent his eldest son, his most trusted Prince, to see King John and arrange the peace. Well, the Prince travelled for days and finally arrived at King John's castle. It was a huge stone fortress, surrounded by a deep moat which was filled with tiny Piranha-like fish called Yellow Fingers. These Yellow Fingers could strip a cow to the bones in minutes! So the Prince yelled up to the guards, "Lower your drawbridge! I come from King Paul to arrange the peace." They did lower the drawbridge, but just as the prince put one foot on it, they yanked the drawbridge back up again, causing the prince to flip into the moat, where he was eaten by the Yellow Fingers. When King Paul heard this he was very upset, but he was still determined to make the peace. So he sent his most trusted Barons as his emissaries. One by one they were tricked into falling in the moat. King Paul sent his Dukes. They too were eaten by the fish. Finally no one was left n the castle but a little page boy. "Page," said King Paul wearily, you are my last hope. You must make the peace between King John and me. lad, and good luck." The page went to the drawbridge "I come from King Paul to arrange the peace!" As they had done many times before, King John's men lowered the bridge, then yanked it back up just as the victim put a foot on it. But a strange thing happened. The page, instead being eaten, walked right along the bottom of the moat, climbed onto drawbridge, and entered the castle. King John was so impressed by this that he made peace! What is the moral? Let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers. It takes years to become an overnight success Old Chief Gnarled Oak, turned into a millionaire by the discovery of oil on his reservation, was proud and pleased when his two boys were accepted into a swank yacht club. For years, it seemed, his one consuming ambition was to see his red sons in the sail set. Hear about the father of the leper? He gave away his daughter's hand in marriage. The famous Statesman, William Penn, had two old aunts named Natalie and Ellie who were great at baking pies. But, alas, they got greedy and raised the prices up and up till all the people in Quakertown were talking about the pie rates of Penn's aunts. Jack and Jill went up the hill, They each had a buck and a quarter. Jill came down and she had $2.50. The story about the two Polacks who went hunting together, They bagged a moose and, being big strapping fellows, tucked a hind leg each under an arm and began dragging the moose back to their vehicle. Another hunter came along and suggested that dragging the moose by the hind legs created a lot of extra friction with the hair digging into the ground. He suggested they'd be better off dragging it by the front legs and the hair would then slip over the ground more easily. They took his advice and a few minutes later, one said to the other, "Dat guy know what he was talkin' about, Dis is a lot easier." The other agreed and said, "Only thing woriies me is, we're getting a hell of a long way from the truck!" When Mary Poppins grew too old for the nanny business, she moved out t L.A., to open a fortune-telling shop and mouth-wash store. She hung a sign out her window upon opening, which said: "SUPER CALIFORNIA MYSTIC. EXPERT: HALITOSIS" Dig a very large hole and layer the bottom with about a foot of ash. Then put a line of peas around the top of the hole. When the elephant comes to take a pea, kick him in the ash-hole. This space intentionally not left blank. Or.... the Travelling Salesman was weekending in a small town whose single industry was the manufacture of coin operated machines. It was very quiet on Saturday night so he asked the desk clerk if there was anything going on in town. "No," replied the clerk, "but the factory has a demo room that's open all the time. They have some new machines there and you can try them out." The T/S went to the factopry and found a number of interesting machines in operation. One large one had a small hole in the front of it and was labled, "YOUR WIFE AWAY FROM HOME". He thought this an excellent idea, so opened his fly, stuck his member into the hole and inserted a dollar bill. There was immdeiate and noisy operating inside the machine and when he withdrew his member, there was a button sewn on the end of it! From the JOKIN' AROUND DISK by LEEJAN ENTERPRISES P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley. South Australia. 5159.